A lot of my focuses have been on negative things this year, maybe its just because i am depressed and it is a stage in my life. The past year i have been dwelling on life and death, beliefs, suicide, relationships, friendships, family history, addictions, school, my poor grades and my lack of concentration, sleep, and feeding what my body really wants which in my case isn’t things that are good for me. I am not writing this because i want tons of people to read it. I am typing this because it is somewhere to get my thoughts out. It is just in place of emailing it to myself which i would regularly do.
As i am going to be leaving for school soon to go somewhere farther away where i will have to take a plane to get home from i really need to get it together, I have a hard time with getting things done and really setting a goal and following through. Leg work has been something i am not good at.
In the past month i think i have gained more knowledge through situations i have been put in and and some that i have thrown myself into. I know i am not an extremely experienced person and i have a good life and i shouldn’t complain so much or take the easy route and have a pity party for myself.
My mother the other week said she didn’t know who i was anymore. I used to be so happy and naive and positive always wanting to be up and out despite my times of anxiety. Now i would rather sleep and dwell and not do anything. I told her it is because my “bubble burst” i guess. Being raised in a protestant home i was sheltered and not very aware of what i was truly surrounded by. The world is a shitty place with shitty people and bad things happening everywhere. At times i wished for eternal rest and death just for peace because of my inability to actually live my life and have peace. My mind seems to be buzzing with thoughts. I think my change in who i am happened because i realized what kind of place i am in. I never knew all of that before.
I don’t know if i am making complete sense and i am jumping around a lot…
Basically i need to enjoy life instead of looking at all of the things around me that are negative. It is probably just my angst and i will look back on it and see how dumb i really was. Ill probably read this sometime later at another stage in my life and see how dramatic i was being or something.
I look at people who were writers in my literature book and lived miserable lives, wrote sad things and died in a horrific way. I have heard of my family members who lived hard lives, were unstable, mentally unwell and i don’t want to be like that. I need to no longer give into that little voice in my head or that tendency to be sad and really crush it with my heal. I need to look at things in a new way and be happier despite all that is going on.
I need to go away to school, turn over a new leaf, remember to take my medicince, apply myself in school, and make new friends. I could either make my next year harder or easier and it seems like it up to me.
I want to help people and help them be as happy as they can be but also pass down what i have learned so far. I need to focus less on looks and more on what humans can bring to the table. I want to breed cats, be happy. Play with dogs and work with children. Somehow i want to bring that all together and still be finically stable (haha…)
So maybe i will have a day care in a low income area that has animals for the kids that will cheer them up. I want to create an
environment for kids who have broken homes and they know that the dogs with still wag their tails when they see them and make them happy. I want to be like a mother figure for these kids. Childhood is so critical to the development of what kind of adult they will turn into. If i could just make this place a haven for them that would make me happy and give my existence some meaning.
In summary: Focus is something i need to get into line. I may have contradicted myself in this post i don’t really know or care but this is what has been on my mind.
